Celebrating the life of my mom, Saru.

It has been 4 years since she said goodbye to the world and left for the heavenly abode. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and have a conversation with her in my own way. Jay too remembers Ammachi fondly and some times he says he wants to go up to heaven and live with ammachi. Yesterday he was about to eat a piece of sweet treat, he asked all of us if we wanted a piece and we all said no, then he points it upwards towards heaven and asked ammachi if she wanted a bite, I couldn't help smiling and feeling proud of him for that gesture. He is an emotional little fella... just like me, he tears up at the slightest and acknowledges all my words of encouragement and when I narrate stories of my childhood and how amma would react at different occasions. Vinny was not around to see her and experience her love and warmth. But he misses her in his own way. Lata proudly remembers her mother in law with reverence and love, the "master sergeant" who orchestrated our wedding in 9 days flat :-). She considers herself lucky to have had a Mother in law like my mom. Good for her she never got her in a foul mood or she would have tasted a piece of broom stick :-).

We offered Shradham ( "Bali")- a traditional Hindu ritual for the salvation of a departed soul, at the Lemont Temple. My brothers and sister do it according to the malayalam calendar but me....I have to be different and perform the ceremony on the day she died according to the English calendar. No disrespect to any one, I have always been different. It is inborn, I don't pretend or try to be, it just comes natural. perhaps something I inherited from my paternal or maternal ancestors.....I don't know. It puzzles me and annoys my wife. She thinks I am trying to be a show off but I am not. If you read the previous posts in this blog you may be able to somewhat decipher my quirkiness.

Anyway....back to my mom. I guess I neglected her during the time she was alive so I am so much emotional after she passed away. I left home when I was 17 ( 27 years ago) and since then we have had a long distance mother-son relationship. Her values were different than mine, I loved and respected her but still somehow felt distant from her. I wanted her to be happy but I wanted to do things my way and often had differences due to that. She came and lived with us here in Chicago, I hoped that she would be happy and we all wanted to be happy but it turned out to be a disaster due to circumstances and she went back to India after a month's stay. How I wish I could go back in time and make things right for her. Que sera..sera.. whatever will be will be.

I am sure my mom's soul in peace. I have found peace :-) and finally come to terms with myself in the past year or so. No more bitterness towards the people and circumstances that mercilessly caused her pain and anguish for a better part of her life.

Let me tell you a story of when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I had conveniently forgotten to do my homework and gone to sleep. Mom woke me up after she had finished her chores late at night and went through my book bag, when she realized that I had not done my home work, she woke me up and made me do my homework which was preceded and followed by beatings with a guava twig which stung and hurt like anything. I fell asleep sobbing and crying. later in the dark of the night I could hear sitting beside me crying silently and gently patting my arms and legs where she had planted the guava twig:-). Next morning she woke up early and walked me to the bus stop at 6.45 am( normally I go myself, she had tons of chores to do before she went to work), consoling me and holding me close to her bosom. That was my mom, full of love and compassion for her children but helpless to show what she had in her heart due to the circumstances and commitments.

I hope she reincarnates and comes back to this world as a happy, healthy and peaceful being and make this world a better place.